Happy Resurrection Sunday!

So many people have posted neat little quotes, verses, and praises over the past two days. I have really enjoyed reading them, and it has helped me think through some things.

I think many times I as a Christian wonder why I don’t grieve more over what Christ did for me on the cross. Many times I see people cry or get emotional when talking about the crucifixion of our savior, and while I do feel a somber respect, I never grieved.

Someone posted a link to an article that, when I initially read, I totally disagreed with. It focused on each and every physical, painful aspect assumed to have happened during Christ’s death on the cross, and not on the spiritual and mental agony, which I believe is the main happening in those long moments.

I got to thinking about it more, and I realized that yes, what my Lord went through physically was terrible, VERY terrible. But then I thought about the REAL reason of Jesus’ death.

There’s a song that has a phrase, “It was not of pain, but a broken heart (Jesus) died.”

Jesus died a lot sooner than “normal” and way before the two thieves that hung next to Him. Why? I thought about the things I associated Christ’s death with. He took EACH and EVERY sin on Himself. In those moments, He felt the weight, the grief, and the guilt of each and every one of those sins. I know that there were times that I sinned, and the guilt made me miserable enough to cause me to feel physically ill. Jesus felt that. Every time that I could not go to bed because of something I had said or done, He felt that. He felt ALL of the weight from EVERY sin I committed or will commit in ONE space of time. When I think of all that I’ve done, and how terrible I’ve felt for different ones of them, I could not even begin to imagine trying to hold the guilt for ALL of them in one day. That would be unbearable! HE did! But not only for my sins, but for the sins of the ENTIRE WORLD.

“The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity; but a wounded spirit who can bear?” – Proverbs 18:14

There have been so many people through history that have endured unthinkable torture and physical agony, yet have been able to hold on because of what Christ had done for them. Their spirit, their faith and hope and love for Christ sustained their infirmity. Jesus had physical suffering, yes, such that many people died from before and after Him. But I had to stop and think of the torture of His Spirit. Who indeed could have borne that?

And that wasn’t the worst part, the worst part was that God, in His complete and perfect righteousness, had to turn His back on His Son Who had all the sins and wretchedness of the entire world on His shoulders. I tried to imagine for a minute what it would be like to know God had turned His back on me for just ten minutes. He could not look on me or hear me. I can’t even begin to imagine it! Yet Christ on the cross had to endure that. Even though He cried, “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” He knew full why, and submitted willingly.

The more I think about those two aspects, the weight of the sins of the world, and His agony at having His own Father turn His back on Him, the more I agree with the phrase of that song.

As I was riding home from the store, I was praying aloud, as I often do when I’m alone in the car. I was just starting to get a glimpse of the true suffering of Christ (though I will never fully comprehend it!) and I asked the question “why?” I know it was because of love, but it was so hard to understand! And then if saving my soul wasn’t enough, He was now always “on call” for me. Ready and willing to listen to each and every trouble and request I have, and continuing to do things for me in ways I could never imagine.

I knew I could never understand that love, but I wanted to be able to kind of have an idea of why. Suddenly the thought of a grandparent popped in my mind. Grandparents always love their grandchildren. No matter what those children do that’s wrong, they still love them. And they don’t just love them, they also love to do things for them. A grandparent loves it when their grandchild needs something, and they can provide it for them, or if their grandchild asks them for something, and they can provide it. They never cease to love their grandchildren, and will love them, comfort them, and do what they can for them… even if they never get anything back.

Now this doesn’t even begin to describe God’s love for me, but seeing that, and place a grandparent’s love in perspective with God’s love (which is impossible to do, by the way!), I begin to feel overwhelmed. I started to tear up as the magnitude of what Jesus Christ did for me began to come together in my mind. Christ went through SO MUCH! And it was all because of love for ME! I am so unworthy! Praise and bless His Holy Name!

I just prayed earlier this week that God would show me more of His love, and place in me a desire to worship, honor, and serve Him because I WANT to, not just because I was supposed to, and He has begun! 

Receiving Surrendered Blessings - An Unexpected Double Portion

Because of the many different crafts I do and instruments I play, I use my hands a LOT. I used to say that if there was one thing I wouldn’t want to lose, it was my hands. Never did I think something would actually happen to make me experience that.

This January, God allowed me to have a very complex hand injury. I went to many different doctors, and was told many things, one of them being I may never have full function, mobility, and strength in the two smaller fingers of my right hand. For most people, this would have just been an inconvenience, but for me, it was a bit more.

I love playing classical guitar. I received my very first guitar almost twenty years ago, and have played it off and on ever since. I taught myself with the help of an occasional friend for seventeen years, took lessons from a music major for a year, and last spring I was blessed to be able to take a semester from an advanced classical guitarist.

While classical guitar was not something I played much in public, I would often sit down with my guitar to just relax and have fun. I loved to be able to play, and one of my passions was to be able to arrange hymn arrangements for the classical guitar.

When I first injured my hand, I was naturally disappointed that I would be hindered from playing any instruments for a while, but when I heard about the possibility of long-term damage, the first thing I thought of was my classical guitar playing. I used my fourth finger all the time in my playing, and I didn’t know what I would do if that was suddenly taken away from me. After a month and a half, I realized that, even though I dearly loved playing my guitar, it was not the most important thing in my life. God would give me other ways to make music, and I had to surrender my hands and my guitar to Him.

The next couple months passed, and I went from a cast, to a removable cast, to just wearing it occasionally. There was a lot of pain, and I could tell there were some major restrictions in my movement. We got a CAT scan and some nerve tests done, and they identified where it had been broken and healed, and felt that the nerves had been bruised and possibly pinched. The Doctor finally relieved me to try to use my hand as normally as possible. Immediately I began to work with my hand, and though progress was very painful, I did see progress.

I had gotten to the point where I was fine with not playing any instruments, but as I began to see more progress in my hand’s mobility and function, I began to look at my dusty guitar case. To be perfectly honest, I was scared to take it out, for fear that I would only become discouraged and upset if I couldn’t play it.

A few more weeks passed, and finally I pulled it out. One of the strings had popped, but oddly God urged me to look through my music books, and lo and behold, a new set of my personal favorite strings! I changed the strings rather slowly, tuned up, stretched the strings and tuned up again.

Finally, I pulled my guitar into my lap, bowed my head for a second, surrendered to God whatever would happen next, and began to play.

“Seek Ye First” was the song that worked its way onto the strings, and as I played through the first verse, it was almost as if I was watching someone else playing my guitar. As the second verse began, tears began to run down my cheeks, and by the end of the song I was sobbing.

Even though I had surrendered my guitar and the ability to play it to the Lord, I had missed it so much! Realizing that God was now giving me back something that I had surrendered to Him only made me feel so humbled and unworthy. True, it was sloppy and full of mistakes, and it hurt to play, but it was a lovely pain, and the mistakes were not important. God was giving me back one of the things I loved the most, and I couldn’t begin to thank Him or praise Him enough for it.

“Delight thyself also in the Lord: and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart.” –Psalm 37:4